CASINO JOKE OF THE DAY

[ValDes]

And was thinking about the "and tiptoed nude into the bedroom" part!   

[cocopop3011]

A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention so she decides to play at the roulette table, saying, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.

 

Typical woman!

[Afi4wins]

     

[cocopop3011]

[Luciana]

Hahahaha, Sharon, your jokes are fantastic!!

[cocopop3011]

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.

 

The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

 

One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced,

 

"My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

 

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!!

 

There was one guy in the pool swimming with all of his might as the crowd cheered him on.

 

Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

 

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain... which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

 

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter!

 

I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

[cocopop3011]

Ok this is a long one but had me in stitches....

 

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

 

The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

 

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

 

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

 

She says, "Gambling."

 

"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"

 

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

 

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

 

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

 

"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.

 

"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.

 

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.

 

When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

 

"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.

 

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

 

"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

 

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

 

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

 

"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

 

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

 

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

[Afi4wins]

The 'excavator' at work again...but I don't mind re-reading it again though Sharon...it's still so funny! 

[cocopop3011]

The 'excavator' at work again...but I don't mind re-reading it again though Sharon...it's still so funny! 

Re-reading? Ooops have I already put that joke once? Lol

[Afi4wins]

Re-reading? Ooops have I already put that joke once? Lol

 

Yes, you did! Back in 2012 or 2013...

[cocopop3011]

Yes, you did! Back in 2012 or 2013...

Must be this pregnancy throwing me off my guard!

[cocopop3011]

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

 

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

 

Joe again prays...

 

"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

 

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

 

Once again, he prays...

 

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."

 

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

 

"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

[Afi4wins]

WOW!!!     

 

Wish God would come to me like that too! 

[cocopop3011]

A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says "Yes", so the man said: "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The butcher says "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts. "Yes I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high."

[Afi4wins]

Oh geee...you sure you haven't posted that one too Sharon?   

[cocopop3011]

Oh geee...you sure you haven't posted that one too Sharon?   

Maybe! I've no idea lol

[cocopop3011]

Oh geee...you sure you haven't posted that one too Sharon?   

Afi I just checked my jokes since I stArted this thread and I haven't repeated any!!!

[Afi4wins]

Ahhh???   So!!!  My apologies then Sharon!

 

But I know I have read them before...if not here, must be somewhere else! 

[cocopop3011]

Ahhh???   So!!!  My apologies then Sharon!

 

But I know I have read them before...if not here, must be somewhere else! 

Tut tut! Your forgiven Mr Afi!

 

Someone has to keep me on my toes!

[cocopop3011]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

 

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

 

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

[Afi4wins]

Hahahaha...that's a good one! 

[cocopop3011]

"That rotten husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

 

"You didn't do it, did you?"

 

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is now paid up for six months!"

[Afi4wins]

    ....lucky landlord!!! 

[cocopop3011]

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Matt.

 

I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last.

 

Matt listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.

 

Matt's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race.

 

Matt raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element."

 

Matt started grinning. Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that day.

 

- I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee

 

- I went for a five mile jog to clear my head

 

- I took a five minute shower

 

- I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet

 

- I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up

 

- I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row

 

- I entered through the fifth admissions gate

 

- I bought five programs

 

- I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race

 

- I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.

 

I settled in and waited for the race to start. "Well," said Matt. "Did the horse win?"

 

I frowned at Matt and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth."

[Afi4wins]

"Stupid horse came in fifth."