Hello everyone,
I am a 30 year old single male who has had problem gambling on and off for 12 years now. For my 18th birthday, a friend of mine bought me a $1 scratch off and I won $100! I was soooo excited over it! At the time, making $6/hr at a retail store, that covers almost a whole week of finances for me!!! It was so exciting! I remember rushing home to my parents and telling them this! They were happy for me, but I was soooo excited! I went to cash it in the next day and bought $10 worth. They were all losers. I remember thinking, "I gotta try again".... so i went and bought another $10. I think I won $2 back. AT THIS TIME I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED.... QUIT! but instead, I figured I can win $100 again since it was so easy the first time... i ended up spending the entire $100 in a month. IT KILLED ME! Why couldn't I just let it go? It turned into $3000 in debt on credit cards after a year! I couldn't stop thinking about it! Then me and the SAME friend, went to Atlantic City.... in my FIRST visit, i won $800 in Blackjack and $400 on a slot machine! Up $1200 in one VISIT! Holy cow I can pay off my $3000 debt! Needless to say, the AC trips turned into a weekly occurence, each time losing hundreds.... then I found out about ONLINE POKER! By the time I turned 23... I was $30,000 in debt!!!!!!!! and blew another $10,000 i had in a savings!!!!!!! Since then I haven't gambled as MUCH, but I continue to do so. I will play $50/week on lottery, go to local poker games, lose $100 or so, and I know why I am doing it. I want to make up the $40,000 I lost stupidly!!! It's the SAME behaviour that GOT me here... when I couldn't handle being down the $20!
See the problem was that $20, when i was 18 was a lot of MONEY, its 4 hours working at Burger King! I hated my job with intensity so losing that initial $20 drove me nuts! I couldn't handle it, so i gambled more!!! Why couldn't I turn my brain off????? People in my family finally found out what I did and I feel soooo stupid. I don't feel gambling is a TRUE addiction like drugs, because DRUGS have a chemical component. With gambling, NOTHING IS ENTERING YOUR BODY! So why did I have to drive to Atlantic City and play poker? I could have turned around? Why would I take my last $100 and by scratch offs???? I didn't HAVE TO! Maybe it's just GREED? Yet before gambling, I never cared about money! I donated to charities, gave to friends who needed some cash..... so WHAT HAPPENED TO ME??? I don't get it!
Some notes of my childhood before gambling:
1. Mother and Father would DIE for me, they DO love me, but they had incredible rages, I used to fear my life living with my father. He threw his fist into walls soooo many times, and for silly reasons (like we forgot to return his stapler in the right spot). He had low self esteem and took EVERYTHING as a sign we don't respect him.
2. At age 8, I plucked the hair out of my head. I had a bald spot the size of a Ritz Cracker.
3. Age 13, I had a skin picking issue.
4. Age 15 - had only ONE friend throughout high school.... had a hard time making friends..... I was bullied and picked on...
5. MOST people see me as fairly normal now... I socialize well, look normal, etc....
Was wondering what is wrong with me. Do I have a mental illness? I know I must get help, but how long does it take to diagnose someone with a mental illness? Anyone have any ideas what COULD be wrong with me based on what I just shared with you?
